The problem of finding the perfect toilet has plagued humanity throughout the ages. I, however, have done the hard work for you, finding a classy latrine for all tastes – from the millionaire gangster wanting a bit more “bling” to the eco-friendly doomsday prepper looking to invest in a toilet for the end times.
The Dagobert Toilet Throne
Ladies and gentleman, I give you the “Dagobert Toilet Throne” by Herbeau.
This latrine keeps the legend of Dagobert I (the last king of the Merovingian dynasty and ruler of Austrasia, obviously) alive.
The Throne’s features include a musical box which plays a whimsical rendition of the classic French children’s song, “Le Bon Roi Dagobert” whenever the lid is lifted, and a flush mechanism that has a pull chain and bell attached, to signal to your subjects that all is indeed well in the kingdom.
The best thing about this piece is that it could be yours, for a mere $14,000.
The Solid Gold Toilet
If you need to go, you might as well go in style.
This working 24-carat display at Hang Fung Gold Technology comes equipped with a state-of-the-art flushing system, but is strictly off limits to the behinds of peasant tourists.
We applaud the designer’s meticulous attention to detail, though, with everything in the photo (apart from the apparently redundant sign) also made of solid gold.
Of course, the golden experience would be wasted without some golden toilet paper, which apparently, is also a thing.
All in all, we’d say this lavatory is a worthwhile investment, for those with a spare $29 million burning a hole in their pockets.
The Swarovski Crystal Toilet
Swarovski never fails to disappoint.
This latrine, encrusted with 72,000 pieces of Swarovski crystal, is just the thing for those who want all the glitz and glamour of a sparkling water closet, minus the million-dollar price tag.
Jemal Wright of Hollywood, Florida designed the loo, after deciding her popular chrome toilet design was significantly lacking in dazzle.
Valuations of the toilet range from $75,000 to $180,000, which, when you think about it, is sensational value, at only one to two dollars per crystal piece.
The INAX USA
On the lower end (he he) of the market you will find the intelligent design of the INAX USA.
The INAX has a built-in motion sensor and adjustable lighting, the lid will automatically open upon your approach and the bowl will glow to exactly your liking.
And, in keeping with the musical toilet trend, the INAX can also play you some soothing tunes, to make the passage more smooth, you know?
Once the deed’s been done, treat your pre-warmed bottom to the “hygienic cleansing of shower-spray”, compliments of two retractable bidet nozzles, adjustable for water pressure and temperature.
If you’re feeling particularly indulgent, go all out and flick on the massage setting, and enjoy the luxurious alternation between strong and mild sprays.
Don’t worry if it’s a bit of a stinker either, this toilet comes equipped with an air purifier which releases not only a burst of fragrance, but also spurts out “plasmacluster negative ions” (in case you were worried about the imbalance in electric energy your stool may have created).
For only $5686, this smart toilet is a steal. Just don’t invite any computer-savvy frenemies around.
The Sun-Mar Excel
Like many of us, you may find yourself lying awake at night, ridden with toilet-use-related shame.
Fear not environmental warrior/doomsday prepper, Sun-Mar have heard your cries.
Presenting the Sun-Mar Excel, the eco-friendly, luxury lavatory for you.
This bad boy transforms your excrement into fertilizing soil for gardens (because who among us does not want to eat produce grown in their own waste?).
As an added bonus, you’ll find that the Excel is odorless, non-polluting, uses no water, and is available in models that don’t use electricity.
Once you’ve invested the $1500 in the Excel, you’ll finally be able to sleep easy in the assuring knowledge that you’ll be able to poop like a civilised person when the zombie apocalypse hits.