Yes, there are in fact only 17 types of guys on Tinder – each with their own unique set of frequently off-putting, generally hilarious and sometimes charming qualities. From bare bums and pubes, to ISIS wannabes, to the guy posing beside his nanna whose bio expresses his desire to “turn you inside out and lick you like a crisp packet” this list has something for everyone to enjoy.

1. The Pube Guy

pubeguy1Ladies: pubes are in.

The men of Tinder have finally cottoned on to the growing demand for up front genital hair, and now more and more are posting a display picture that includes an ever-so-alluring hint of what can only be that delicately manscaped pube patch us women have been crying out for.


Personally, I can’t even count the many,  many occasions where I’ve met  an otherwise attractive, intelligent and all together eligible bachelor, only to be put off by his seeming reluctance to show me his pubes.

2. The Guy Standing Next to Someone Else’s Car

carguy

For a long time I have looked for two things in men: a good heart and the ability to stand in front expensive things I don’t care about.

Fortunately, the men of Tinder are completely familiar with the age-old adage, “Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money” and are determined to get us gals salivating like Pavlov’s dogs by the mere sight of a nice automobile.

The wrap-around sunnies and semi-staunch look that usually accompany such photographs are just the icing on this bad ass cake.  I mean, these guys are pretty much, like, Vin Diesel, right? Which is why they don’t need to include a profile description either – the man and vehicle combo should pretty much speak for itself ladies.

3. The Mundane Car/Public Toilet/Bathroom Selfie Guy

sadselfieguy

It isn’t until he steps in front of the bathroom mirror, or catches a glimpse of himself in his car’s rear view that this guy realises how soul crushingly lonely he really is.

In order to remedy this, he downloads Tinder and snaps one, single, mandatory picture in a half-assed last shot at love. He makes sure not to smile or crop out the selfie arm, After all, just because he’s stooping to Tinder doesn’t mean he’s going to try and impress any of the other sad sacks on there. And that’s why he’ll remain #foreveralone

4. The Guy Who Was Allowed on Someone’s Boat One Time

boatdude

This guy is not dissimilar to the car-stander. He can be found sprawled on a yacht, speed boat, or cruise ship with a glass of booze in hand and aviators on his face.

Someone, somewhere, let him on a boat one time and now he’s a real baller. It wasn’t his boat, and he hasn’t been on a boat since, but that’s not going to wipe the smug look off his face or stop him from insisting that he only dates “classy” or “intelligent” women. Oh, and he’s only ever passing through because, uh, boat, hello!?

5. The DJ/Guy in a Band

kindofabigdealguy

This guy is kind of a big deal. In fact, he’s a little bit famous. That’s why he can never, ever take off his sunglasses, and must always look down to the ground in every one of his pictures.

Whether he’s spinning disks like Tiesto, shredding like Paige, or crooning like a John Mayer making love to a dolphin, you can be assured that Lo-Fi and X-Pro II are his go-to filters, and no picture is complete without a club/pub water mark.

If you do make it to his Tinder shortlist, he’s going to want to know the ETA of your vagina in his apartment. Apparently, he’s worn out all his groupies and has to hit dating apps to find women who can handle his insatiable celeb libido.
6. The Aggressor

theaggressor

This guy knows that what all women really want is a bad boy to treat her mean and keep her keen – hence why leading with your middle finger shoved in a potential mate’s face is more or less an infallible approach.

The aggressor fancies himself to be  Jesse Pinkman meets Jax Teller with a touch of ISIS chic thrown in for good measure, and if you wanna know more about him then you’d better ask him yourself b*tch!

He’s in no position to be posting personal information on the internet. He’s got crackies all over town trying to track him down for child support and more DVOs than you could throw a ladies scarf at. Oh yeah, and women he’s tired of your shit.

7. The Quirky Guy

thequirkyguy

By skilfully combining basic Photoshop skills, partial nudity and outlandish costumes this guy clearly demonstrates that he’s the most cray cray thing since Red Foo thrust his leopard print clad crotch in our faces in 2011.

His bio couldn’t be more ‘random’ if the Southpark manatees plucked the balls labelled with ‘quirky’ phrases out of the tank of originality themselves.

Yeah he’s in black face. Yeah he’s wearing a onesie. Yeah he’s naked and riding a unicorn. Yeah he’s got makeup on. Yeah he’s stroking a chicken and you better believe that’s a pipe he’s smokin’ (SO old school). Yeah he’s posing naked on a step ladder. Oh yeah, and that’s him riding an ostrich too. OK I admit that last one is kind of cool…

8. The Ass Barer

assbarers

Whilst in the past the act of ‘mooning’ fell exclusively into the realm of juvenile adolescent male humour, now days no dating app profile is complete without a ‘cheeky’ butt picture.

After all, what better way is there to attract the female of the species than the age old method of ‘presenting’?

I can’t recall how many times my genitals have quivered at the tantalising juxtaposition of a bare white ass and an epic brown tan line (the latter reassuring us Tinderellas that this guy’s not a regular nudist – his ass is being exposed to the light of day just for you, ladies).

And, whilst the nostalgic cliffside self-dacking is a popular Tinder photo choice, bonus points go to any bloke who performs this move in broad daylight in a highly crowded public location. After all, it would be a crime not to reveal such an enticing mass of flesh to as many people as physically possible.

9. The Family Man

familyman

They say you can always measure a man by how he treats his grandmother. Capitalising on this sentiment, the family man goes out of his way to post pictures of himself with his elderly relatives. He’s sex, drugs, & elder care.

The winner of this category is a tie between the man whose grandfather features in not one, not two, but all four of his pictures (note the changing of outfits that indicates this is probably more than your token-nursing-home-photography-sesh) and the man whose picture alongside his grandmother is complemented by his delightful bio: “I want to lick you like a crisp packet turned inside out”. Charming.

10. The Intrepid Adventurer

intrepid adventurer

Whether he’s snowboarding atop the highest peaks Contiki has access to, posing beside an exotic animal whose placidity says yes but whose ropes/chains scream NO, or just standing cliffside gazing whimsically at the vast ocean below (no doubt considering if he’ll be able to set the self timer and dack himself in time for the ultimate Tinder shot), there are two things about this guy you have to know: he’s got a penchant for vague inspirational quotes about living life to the fullest, and he never poses without sunglasses or within any range that allows you to distinguish his facial features.

11. The Wolf Pack

thewolfpack

Because these men never have a photo of themselves alone, one can only assume that they come as a five for the price of one Magic Mike style troup.

If, on the off chance this is somehow an incorrect assumption to make about multiple buff guys who like to hang out together in a state of undress, one must apply the golden rule of Tinder: when in doubt, there’s an uggo about.

That’s right, if you can’t identify which man is the one you’re trying to chat with, chances are that as the least attractive individual in the group he’s trying to piggyback off of his mate’s looks and raise his own attractiveness by the law of averages.

Typical wolf pack photos include the pack chilling in a pool, raising their glasses at a night club, playing dress ups together at a festival, and, of course, donning their near-new suits at the wolf pack’s two favourite hunting grounds: weddings and the races.

Also, wolf packs don’t bother with long profile descriptions. Their collective awesomeness should speak for itself.

12. The Piece of Meat

pieceofmeatguy

The predecessor to the Pube Guy, and often found in the wolf pack, this man is all about the “gains”. The piece of meat is most easily defined by what he doesn’t do: wear shirts, have his photograph taken alongside anyone who is not also a piece of meat, or talk in full sentences (his overdeveloped physique unfortunately leading to a highly underdeveloped language centre).

His communication skills are limited to one word ‘sentences’ that must be prefaced by his height (the modern equivalent to Neolithic chest beating) and end in his Instagram/snapchat username (because it would be cruel to deny potential mates access to 5000 identical photos of his abs/biceps/face in sunglasses under various Instagram filters or poor lighting conditions).

The one word conversation style (Insta. Snapchat. Gains. Gym. UNSW. Holla.) is only ever interrupted by the single phrase, “wut r u doin tonite?”. Read: it’s Friday night and I’m vetting women based on the ease of sex being secured without prior notice.

13. The Guy with the Puppy

dogdude

My reason for hating this guy is quite simple: he has a puppy, I want a puppy. Where’s my puppy?!

14. The George Costanza

costanzaguy

Taking a leaf from the book of George Costanza – the guy who showed women a photograph of Jerry Seinfeld’s beautiful ex and told them she was his dead wife in the mistaken belief they would think there must be some mysterious & desirable quality to this otherwise unattractive guy.

This guy’s pictures are exclusively of him and beautiful women. Sure, they may be strippers or promo girls who are paid to stand next to him, or they may be his abundance of female friends (none of whom consider him dateable), but hey, bitches be wantin’ what other bitches don’t have. Line up ladies.

15. Any Guy Whose Main Picture Demonstrates his Drinking Prowess

alcodude

If your main profile picture is of you and ya mates crackin’ open a tinnie or two on a hot arvo, or maybe downin’ a few sneaky VB’s at the local on ya smoko, or wearin a hat ya built outta ya last carton, or a fort ya built outta the packagin’ of ya serious drinkin’ problem, then there are only two conclusions I can draw. One is that ya talk like this, and two is that you’re only on Tinder to find yourself a new misso who don’t mind walkin’ to the fridge to fetch ya a new brewskie when ya can’t afford to miss a minute of whatever sporting event is on telly.

16. The Backpacker

thebackpacker

As hostel residents these walking STD factories have already placed themselves in the most prime environment for casual, no-strings-attached sex our society has to offer.

So to use Tinder to bypass the age old method of getting drunk with other lonely/sexually frustrated foreigners and seeing what ensues is just plain lazy. Plus their profiles are an insult to the English language.

“I am like, how you say, lookink for ze female. Am here for a short time not long time, French boy, like to party and the music. I want meet nice girl am here only on zis month. Please to the Instagram with me. Oh, fuck, ze Inglais so hard, let me just write it in my own language.”

17. The Dude Posing with a Kid

guywithkid

Apparently, Tinder is the place you go to when you’re looking for that special someone to complete your family. Nothing says sexy romance like a picture of you and the fruit of your loins posted on a dating app used primarily by women looking to boost their self-esteem and horny males looking to secure another (preferably non-child-bearing) sexual encounter.

Some men, however, seem to recognise that most Tinderellas might not be frothing over such a display of virility, and make a point of saying in their profile description “don’t worry, this isn’t my kid” – as if posting a photo of someone else’s kid on Tinder, probably without their knowledge,  is a hallmark of responsibility and consideration.

Creepier still is the guy who posts a picture of himself as a kid on Tinder. Because, y’know, when I’m looking for potential suitors nothing gets me going more than seeing what they looked like before they hit puberty.

 

Did your cortisol rise when you read this? Did your dopamine/serotonin/oxytocin begin to flow freely?

If my writing has elicited some sort of emotion within you, please help support my work. You can do this by:

  1. Contributing to my GoFundMe
  2. Leaving a comment explaining why you love/hate what you’ve seen here today
  3. Submitting a story idea or commissioning a piece

Thank you for supporting independent journalism and savage satire.

Advertisements