Do You Even #Entrepreneur? A Beginner’s Guide to Flaunting Your Success
Are you a #Entrepreneur, struggling to get the brand recognition you and your fledgeling startup (which is definitely somehow more prestigious than a regular “small business”) deserve?
Do you like awake at night, wondering how many more eBooks you’ll have to get some guy in the Philippines to write before you’re finally recognised as the #ThoughtLeader you truly are?
Is it about time that you swapped Tinder for SeekingArrangement.com?
If you answered yes to these questions, this is the article for you! Fasten your pocket squares and hold onto your copy of GQ, because you’re about to find out how the real #Entrepreneurs do it, in just three easy steps!
1. Remember: You’re An Apex Fucking Predator
One of the most important aspects of the #Entrepreneur life is letting the unwashed masses know not only that you are super wealthy, but that you earned that sixth shot of Don Julio over shaved ice in a chilled champagne glass being brought to you by that semi-clad waitress who is definitely being extra nice because of your oh so charming personality!
Everybody who is anybody knows that poor people are lazy and afraid, whereas #Entrepreneurs are #motivated and #fearless!
You, good sir, are a motherfucking lion! So act like one!
Stripper girlfriend leaving you for someone who is marginally wealthier, even after you showered her with gifts and explained at length how great you are? ROAR!
Pesky employees refusing to smile for the pre-approved fun office activities (that definitely aren’t designed to cultivate an image on social media) or insisting having “annual leave” and “a safe working environment”? ROAR!
Some bitch named Leila McKinnon blowing up your voicemail, with confusing words like “ethics” and “transparency” and “corporate governance”? Call back and fucking ROOOOOOOAR!
Yeah, fuck yeah! You’re the king of the jungle baby! You don’t listen to the opinions of sheep, you steal them from subsistence farmers and pick their carcasses clean!
2. Be the #MondayMotivation You Want To See In the World
Don’t just limit your presenting prowess to real-life situations. The internet is a great place to let those who can’t witness your success first hand get a glimpse at your swinging dick of greatness.
Try posting status updates like this classic slice of wisdom:
“Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.”
Handy little quotes like these serve three purposes:
1. They reaffirm your life decisions: Decades of neglecting your once-hot wife’s dusty trail in favour of long nights of corporate schmoozing and years of swapping your children’s emotional needs for your shareholder’s very real and infinitely more important financial needs will one day pay off. A meme said so. Besides, romance, parenting and even friendship are overrated. Just keep doing what you’re doing, you fucking human ATM!
2. They establish that you’re better than everyone else by choice: Your net worth has nothing to do with so-called “privilege”, opportunity or that dean your mum’s been banging since 1992. Wealth is a choice: You wake up every day and choose to be rich, just like your dad, and his dad, and his dad before him.
3. Quotes like this are so obviously right that you don’t need to bother with attribution: Agreeing with something is pretty much the same thing as saying it yourself! Take credit where credit’s due. In fact, go ahead and put your water mark on that thing, because when you become a #Entrepreneur, you become – get this – your own brand! Separating corporate identity from personal image is so 2003. You’re like, Steve Jobs, but cooler.
Note: Poor people find it difficult to recognise greatness, so be sure to drop in a #grateful, or #blessed in your status updates now and then. People need to appreciate the fact that you appreciate everything you’ve got.
3. Tell Your STORY
You’re rich, which means that you’re interesting. Don’t deprive the world of your unique story. Let people know that once upon a time you were just a white, middle-class male with dreams of working in finance and a mere 30,000 from the bank of mum and dad in your pocket. Contextualising your struggle will help humanise you, solidifying your image as a man of the people.
Plus, you may even inspire some other budding young #Entrepreneur to take their Bond University MBA in hand and board a plane to Sydney (all by themselves…. scaaaaary!) in search of a better (read: upper upper class) life!
4. Appropriate, appropriate, appropriate!
Don’t think you’ve got a story worth telling? Don’t worry! You can just adopt someone else’s struggle and then take credit for it by proxy!
All you need for this handy image hack is:
- An inspirational quote (the vaguer, the better – you want to remain relatable!)
- Some pictures of Martin Luther King, Oprah, Winston Churchill or even Anne Frank
- A few semi-cropped images of your watch/pocket kerchief/yacht to serve as a background
Just slap them all together (or better yet, hire a social media manager to do it for you), and watch the credibility and respect roll in!
Why struggle when you can appropriate someone else’s struggle?
Think smart, #Entrepreneurs, not hard!
Did your cortisol rise when you read this? Did your dopamine/serotonin/oxytocin begin to flow freely?
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