A leak from the boardroom of Fairfax Media has revealed the true motivation behind the 2000 editorial job cuts at Fairfax and News Corp in the last five years: Horcruxes.
An anonymous letter sent to The Underground Observer claims that media bosses across Australia have spent the last two decades sacrificing jobs in order to create several enchanted objects that, when combined, that will grant the news giants immortality.
Beleaguered Fairfax CEO Greg Hywood’s secretary has also confirmed that his $2.5 million share bonus last year was approved in order to pay for cosmetic surgery to restore his human appearance following the successful creation of the final Horcrux – a framed cricket bat signed by He Who Must Not Be Named.
In total, seven Horcruxes were made by media bosses, and each has been placed under a powerful corporate enchantment.
The power of these enchantments can be invoked by phrases such as, “ongoing process of reorganising our operations to respond to market conditions”, “unlawful industrial action”, and the most powerful incantation of all, “necessary to sustain high-quality journalism”.
In a last-ditch attempt to reinforce the fourth estate, a band of independent journalists are now searching for the other six magical objects, which include: a Surry Hills penthouse, the whitest of white collars, a free university degree, an actual Cayman Islands banker, a hard hat worn by Gina Rinehart and a bottle of Penfolds Bin 620 Cabernet Sauvignon.
Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of the Horcruxes is urged to contact Paul Barry, who is believed to own an original copy of the MEAA Code of Ethics – the only known document on earth with the information necessary to destroy them.
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