A leak from the boardroom of Fairfax Media has revealed the true motivation behind the 2000 editorial job cuts at Fairfax and News Corp in the last five years: Media bosses sacrificed jobs, along with their souls, in order to create several horcruxes that will grant them immortality.

Beleaguered CEO Greg Hywood’s secretary has also confirmed that his $2.5 million share bonus last year was approved in order to pay for cosmetic surgery that will restore his human appearance following the successful creation of the final horcrux.

Corporate enchantments were placed on each of the seven horcruxes, the power of which can be invoked by phrases such as, “ongoing process of reorganising our operations to respond to market conditions”, “unlawful industrial action”, and the most powerful incantation of all, “necessary to sustain high-quality journalism”.

In a last ditch attempt to reinforce the fourth estate, journalists are now searching for the horcruxes, which include: a Surry Hills penthouse, the whitest of white collars, a framed cricket bat, a free university degree, an actual Cayman Islands banker, a hard hat worn by Gina Rinehart that has never been washed and a bottle of Penfolds Bin 620 Cabernet Sauvignon.

Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of the horcruxes is urged to contact Paul Barry, who is believed to own a copy of the original MEAA Code of Ethics – the only known document on earth with the information necessary to destroy them.

 

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