Scientists have found property developer’s complete lack of formal education – not the unbridled, narcissistic greed of this handful of real-life Scrooge McDucks – is to blame for the thousands of ill-conceived property developments cropping up around Australia.

It had been previously assumed that property developers are simply human-reptile hybrids who, unable to feel emotion, rely on the fact that they have more criminal and government connections than an undercover detective in Queensland to get by.

The study conclusively proved, however, that all six of Australia’s property developers sport a host of basic knowledge deficiencies, particularly in relation to the use of possessive pronouns.

All of the construction overlords failed to distinguish between:

“You’re a colossal waste of space.”

and

“Your colossal waste of space.”

Instead, five assumed the test was a “The Price is Right” style game show, shouting random pre-sale numbers and investment figures until researchers pacified them with promises of receiving an elite “#success” pocket square upon test completion.

The sixth developer nursed a massive erection throughout the study, frequently moaning as he asked researchers to repeat words like “initial financial outlay”, “zoning approval” and “sharks” over and over again.

All test subjects then proceeded to ask researchers if they’d “like a line”.

The upper-class grammatical crisis is not limited to the white shoe brigade either, with leaders of other major industries equally affected.

“By the time I realised there was a fundamental difference between ‘mine’ and ‘mine’ it was too late. I owned all of Australia’s mineral resources. What a pickle!” Gina Rinehart told The Underground Observer yesterday with a whimsical chuckle.

 

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