Budget Triggers Mass Heroin Addicts Reform
A series of well-thought-out welfare reforms in the 2017 Federal Budget has triggered a wave of repentance amongst heroin users now motivated to kick the habit once and for all.
“Sure, doctors have told me if I stop taking heroin I will die but if I stop getting welfare I can’t afford to live. So, I’ve decided to just take up yoga and hope for the best,” one user told The Underground Observer today in a candid interview.
Users have also welcomed the government’s flawless plan to stop direct payments in favour of cashless welfare cards.
“Just look at how effective America’s food stamps system has been. I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a drug dealer anywhere who will accept goods in lieu of cash,” one addict said.
Both Australian Treasurer Scott Morrison and heroin addicts agree there is a high correlation between having access to money and using heroin, so taking cash out of the equation is the most logical solution.
“They’re actually doing us a favour. Kicking heroin kills your appetite so having no money to eat isn’t really an issue.” one user said.
“I think I speak for all Australians when I say living on $250 a week of taxpayer’s money is excessive, especially for junkies whose lifestyles are known for being inherently debt-free,” Morrison said.
“I mean, once you pay your rent and cut back on luxuries like phones, electricity, and transport you still have a cool $10-$15 left over to play with. That’s $10-$15 that should be put towards important issues like health care.”
While some critics have dubbed the measures “ill-conceived” and even “inhumane”, Morrison insists his heroic addiction management innovations are based on empirical evidence.
“Studies show that our current approach to treating drug addiction as a medical issue is not working. Look at Portugal, The Netherlands, Uruguay: Prison workers are being retrenched en masse, the whole incarceration industries are dying. It’s the very opposite of jobs and growth,” Morrison said.
The treasurer says he is by no means “out of touch” when it comes to the everyday lives of drug users, admitting that while he had a brief foray in drugs himself, he had the fortitude and restraint needed to avoid addiction.
“When I was in university I experimented with heroin a time or two, but I did not inhale,” Morrison said.
Users are also applauding the decision to hire 250 new Centrelink staff in a bid to slash call centre waiting times.
“I’m chuffed that I only have to wait two hours to have my claim rejected rather than the usual four,” one user said.
“That frees up the time I need to apply for the multitude of jobs on offer for ‘threats to the community’ like myself.”
Did your cortisol rise when you read this? Did your dopamine/serotonin/oxytocin begin to flow freely?
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