The Australian government is raising an ibis army to fight ISIS, the likes of which has been described by Defence Minister Marise Payne as “terrifying in its magnitude and unmatched in its scumminess”.

“We, as a country, are in a unique position to help global security. These birds are equipped with natural bin juice detectors, and will thus be able to zero in on the human garbage that is ISIS and swiftly eradicate it,” Minister Payne told The Underground Observer today.

The IBIS (Icky Bin-chickens Instigating Stability) programme is designed to bring long-term security to ISIS-affected regions, with each bird able to survive on a diet of human dregs and sqwaaaar-induced fear for up to 28 years.

”The first Gulf War was 27 years ago. Imagine the world we’d be living in now if we’d had our present day ibis longevity knowledge back then,” Minister Payne said.

An intensive urban ibis breeding program is currently underway across the Eastern seaboard, with local councillors in Logan (QLD), Frankston (VIC), and Bankstown (NSW) confirming there is indeed a strategy behind their electorate’s dump-like appearances.

“As the nation’s leading bin juice producer, Western Sydney is proud to be playing our part in national security. No longer will our backstreets smell like decomposing pho without a purpose,” Bankstown administrator Richard Colley said.

Inspired by Australia’s innovative counter-terrorism approach, the USA is conducting research into the viability of raccoon task forces, and England has followed suit with talk of a stoat special services squad.

International warfare experts are quick to point out, however, that both of these loveable creatures are in no way “dead enough inside” to take on ISIS.

 

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