When it comes to Tinder (and everything else in this anti-men cultural economy am I right?) women have the upper hand.

Males: you may not realise it, but your opening line on Tinder WILL determine whether you’re going to spend the next 3-6 minutes engaged in passionate lovemaking with a complete stranger or trawling #incel threads on Reddit while giving yourself a “stranger”.

Don’t worry though lads, I’m here to ensure eligible bachelors of the 21st century such as yourselves get some well-deserved action between the sheets.

Just follow this simple guide and you’ll be wooing the pants off literally every match you make on the world’s #1 dating app!

 

  1. Ask an incredibly inane question

It’s refreshing to see men actually wanting to know what type of peanut butter I prefer, or whether I’d rather be a robot for a day or a half-robot for two days – which is why I can definitely be bothered taking the time to reply to these kind of questions.

Everybody has heard the stories of deep romantic connections built on a shared love of Kraft crunchy and meaningless small talk and I cannot lie: I want to be a part of that.

Sure, there’s a fine line between obscure/quirky and inane/time wasting. The trick is just to bounce your own insanely original convo openers off of your horny mates and zero in on the inane questions they can’t resist replying to.

Men and women are more or less the same when it comes to subjects they’re interested in, so get a short list of these together and soon you’ll be swimming in va-jay-jay!

 

2. Send a singular, misspelled word

Nothing quite gets me going more than a man who is both sexy and aloof, which is why kicking off a conversation with a singular incorrectly spelled word is a sure fire way to get my attention.

As soon as a “Wsup” or “Prety” hits my inbox you can guarantee that my brain and lady parts are instantly ablaze with question-fuelled desire.

Who is this person? Why are they so busy that they can’t type full words? Are they playing intellectually hard to get? Do their hands work? Will I ever be worthy enough to receive fully formed sentences that carry some sort of meaning?

So many questions now surround you, mysterious man of intrigue, and the fewer answers I have the more I yearn to become your next empty sex vessel.

 

3. Say, “What are you looking for on Tinder?”

This is a super polite way of signalling to the opposite sex that you are DTF and don’t want to waste precious-fucking-time on boring getting-to-know-each-other-chit chat.

By leading with this line you’re being respectful of the fact that we all have limited time on earth, and you just happen to want to maximise yours by getting your dick in as many probably STD-free Tinderellas within a 30km radius as possible.

People who don’t want to ride the slippery dip won’t reply, and people who do will promptly enact the modern day mating ritual of sending their phone number, postal address, nudes from a variety of angles and a small cup of bodily secretions straight to your door! Everyone’s a winner!

 

4. Launch into an erotic novel starring you and your new match

Last Tuesday was just an ordinary day. I got up, brushed my teeth, ate my toast, and was about to go out and run some important errands when BLAMMO! …a message on my Tinder stopped me dead in my tracks:

Hey sexy how you doin? I’ll get straight too it I just want to lick your pussy and tongue Fuck your Ass I’m sorry if I offend you but I won’t play you or anyone else if we connect and we did continue then that’s a bonus

Upon reading this I was overcome with uncontrollable lust and felt compelled to quickly accept this gentleman’s offer before some other foxy young lady snapped him up.

Gentlemen, the moral here is simple. The ads on Porn Hub are true: there ARE horny local women just waiting to bang your brains out. All you need to make that a reality is some compelling copy – the worse written the better!

Forgetting to punctuate or mixing up “too” and “to” (or “loose” and “lose” – a personal favourite of mine) just shows us that your hand is already on your rock hard ready to go dick, and makes the urge to fuck you even more pressing!

 

Did your cortisol rise when you read this? Did your dopamine/serotonin/oxytocin begin to flow freely?

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