News Headline Actually Conveys Point of The Article

A journalist has been sacked following the unauthorised publication of several headlines that actually described the subject matter of their corresponding articles.

Schnews Chief Content Coordinator Mark Etting says Stav Ingrita uploaded several “dangerously informative” headlines to yesterday afternoon.

Sources close to the news outlet have provided The Underground Observer with the official news headlines and their leaked versions:

“PM commits ultimate Aussie sin” = “Malcom Turnbull Doesn’t Know All the Words to John Farnham Song”
“Cadbury favourite item that won’t return” = “Cadbury launches new marketing initiative thinly veiled as a story about Vegemite chocolate”
“Manu & Pete address MKR scandal” = “Contestants on a reality TV show owned by this newspaper’s parent company yell at each other”

“The entire news economy is built around our audiences never really knowing quite what we’re talking about. This straightforward communication isn’t just inadvisable, it’s downright unethical,” Mr Etting said.

“Where is the mystery? Where is the promise of moral outrage? Where is the allusion to relevancy?” he added.

Mr Etting also stressed the dismissal was not because of a one-off incident, but was in fact due to several ongoing performance issues had experienced with Mr Ingrita.

“He violated our editorial guidelines on more than one occasion. He consistently went out of his way to contextualise his news stories. He did not use random, unattributed inflammatory quotes as headlines. He often included subject, object and action in his titles. And, most alarmingly, not once did he write an advertorial framed as a feel-good story about an entrepreneurial small business owner.”

“In short, he did not live up to the Ford Ranger Raptor Journalism Internship Program’s name. He was not built tough nor was he only $74,999 drive away no more to pay, and as such, we had to let him go,” Mr Etting said.

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