Author Archives: theundergroundobserver

Get LAID Using These 4 Foolproof Tinder Conversation Starters

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When it comes to Tinder (and everything else in this anti-men cultural economy am I right?) women have the upper hand.

Males: you may not realise it, but your opening line on Tinder WILL determine whether you’re going to spend the next 3-6 minutes engaged in passionate lovemaking with a complete stranger or trawling #incel threads on Reddit while giving yourself a “stranger”.

Don’t worry though lads, I’m here to ensure eligible bachelors of the 21st century such as yourselves get some well-deserved action between the sheets.

Just follow this simple guide and you’ll be wooing the pants off literally every match you make on the world’s #1 dating app! Read more

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The CEO Pikeout: How The Rich & Powerful Do Charity

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Spiderman onesies, Adidas tracksuits paired with Cartier watches, tailor-made suits with folded silk pocket squares and shiny brown leather shoes – these, coupled with promotional beanies, are the outfits of choice for the middle-aged men sauntering around the park tonight.

Youths in hi-vis wander about with clipboards and flattened cardboard boxes. ’Love Shack’, ‘Two Princes’, ’Beat It’ and other obnoxiously peppy, kitsch hits mix with the constant rattle of traffic from the bridge above.

There’s a coffee cart, two tables brimming with blue gift bags, a pop-up store named “Contraband”, twelve art works, four projectors, two hundred seats and three lone port-a-loos – all encircled by a temporarily erected fence guarded by no less than six security guards and volunteers.

Tonight is no ordinary night under Brisbane’s Story Bridge. 

Tonight it’s the St Vinnies CEO Sleepout – an event where the top 1% subject themselves to contrived homelessness in the name of charity for a night. And it’s really quite bizarre.

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Australia Raises Bin Chicken Army To Fight ISIS

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The Australian government is raising an ibis army to fight ISIS, the likes of which has been described by Defence Minister Marise Payne as “terrifying in its magnitude and unmatched in its scumminess”.

“We, as a country, are in a unique position to help global security. These birds are equipped with natural bin juice detectors, and will thus be able to zero in on the human garbage that is ISIS and swiftly eradicate it,” Minister Payne told The Underground Observer today. Read more

Budget Triggers Mass Heroin Addicts Reform

A series of well-thought-out welfare reforms in the 2017 Federal Budget has triggered a wave of repentance amongst heroin users now motivated to kick the habit once and for all.

“Sure, doctors have told me if I stop taking heroin I will die but if I stop getting welfare I can’t afford to live. So, I’ve decided to just take up yoga and hope for the best,” one user told The Underground Observer today in a candid interview. Read more

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