The CEO Pikeout: How The Rich & Powerful Do Charity

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Spiderman onesies, Adidas tracksuits paired with Cartier watches, tailor-made suits with folded silk pocket squares and shiny brown leather shoes – these, coupled with promotional beanies, are the outfits of choice for the middle-aged men sauntering around the park tonight.

Youths in hi-vis wander about with clipboards and flattened cardboard boxes. ’Love Shack’, ‘Two Princes’, ’Beat It’ and other obnoxiously peppy, kitsch hits mix with the constant rattle of traffic from the bridge above.

There’s a coffee cart, two tables brimming with blue gift bags, a pop-up store named “Contraband”, twelve art works, four projectors, two hundred seats and three lone port-a-loos – all encircled by a temporarily erected fence guarded by no less than six security guards and volunteers.

Tonight is no ordinary night under Brisbane’s Story Bridge. 

Tonight it’s the St Vinnies CEO Sleepout – an event where the top 1% subject themselves to contrived homelessness in the name of charity for a night. And it’s really quite bizarre.

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NSW Premier Implements Fake F6 Scheme, Reveals Secret LNP “Too-Hard Basket”

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull is calling for NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian to step down after she publicly revealed the existence of a secretive “too-hard basket” brimming with unpopular LNP policies designed to distract the public while the party pushes other, slightly less reprehensible legislation through parliament. Read more

Australia Raises Bin Chicken Army To Fight ISIS

ibis bin chicken dump rat australia

The Australian government is raising an ibis army to fight ISIS, the likes of which has been described by Defence Minister Marise Payne as “terrifying in its magnitude and unmatched in its scumminess”.

“We, as a country, are in a unique position to help global security. These birds are equipped with natural bin juice detectors, and will thus be able to zero in on the human garbage that is ISIS and swiftly eradicate it,” Minister Payne told The Underground Observer today. Read more

Budget Triggers Mass Heroin Addicts Reform

A series of well-thought-out welfare reforms in the 2017 Federal Budget has triggered a wave of repentance amongst heroin users now motivated to kick the habit once and for all.

“Sure, doctors have told me if I stop taking heroin I will die but if I stop getting welfare I can’t afford to live. So, I’ve decided to just take up yoga and hope for the best,” one user told The Underground Observer today in a candid interview. Read more

Media CEOs Sacrifice Editorial Jobs for Horcruxes: Gain Immortality, Lose Souls

A leak from the boardroom of Fairfax Media has revealed the true motivation behind the 2000 editorial job cuts at Fairfax and News Corp in the last five years: Horcruxes.

An anonymous letter sent to The Underground Observer claims that media bosses across Australia have spent the last two decades sacrificing jobs in order to create several enchanted objects that, when combined, that will grant the news giants immortality.

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